Yesterday, M let me know she was not pregnant. Is it crazy I get more down about that than she does? I'm starting to believe her when she said she isn't sure she can have kids. But due to this recent cancer scare, I guess this could be for the best. She's getting tested tomorrow, results back in about a week. Until then, there's nothing to do but wait.

I have a blog topic I really want to write - it'll have to be for tomorrow. I'm feeling lazy this Sunday blog. Like, cut this short, curl up in bed and listen to the rain fall, lazy.

See ya tomorrow

Tested

Today's post is a 'what if' blog.

Out of all our friends, we are the only one with kids. Which is a lot like being under house arrest while everyone else runs free. They don't understand the needing to be home for early bedtimes, what it's like to go weeks without sleep cause of a newborn or how much we dread long car rides because Naomi hates the car seat. We so look forward to the day someone else has kids so we can finally share this part of our lives with someone. (Our oldest is turning four, how does no one have kids!?)

Now our very best friends, they recently got married. And we all know, next comes the baby in the baby carriage and I was thrilled when M told me they were finally ready to try.

First month, nothing. Same for month two and three. I swear I probably was watching her cycles closer than she was. 

Here we are in month four and I get this text:

'between you me and the wall, I'm 4 days late'

That was two days ago. Now M has done this in the past, been several days late and several negative tests later, the dreaded Aunt Flo will show and we both will be disappointed. 

This time she has refused to test so far. I think in part she's afraid of seeing another negative like so many other times. But I think this time she's more worried about seeing a positive.

You see, my awesome friend M is going in on Monday to get a biopsy on the lymph nodes in her neck. My very good friend might have cancer and if she does, she will need to undergo aggressive chemo. 

I'm no doctor but I do know chemo and pregnancy can't possibly end well.

This is a lot of 'what ifs'. 

She could be late. She could be pregnant. Those massive lymph nodes could be cancer and I'm not well studied enough on the neck to know what else it could be but it could be something else.

On this Saturday post, I'm playing with the what ifs. I think everyone always prepares for the worst. This time I'm hoping for the best - that our friends join us on our epic parenthood journey and that my BFF doesn't have cancer or anything bad. I know these aren't my calls to make.

So lets add accepting grace on my wish list.

Thoughts and prayers always welcome.

Until next time

Hybrid Stay-at-home mom

I have never met another 'stay-at-home' mom like me and even though it feels strange writing a blog for an audience that contains only myself - I do so thinking that maybe, just maybe, the internet will point someone else to this that can relate.

Without further ado, I present the only Hybrid, stay-at-home mom I know. Me.

And I've decided it's because not many people are this idiotic.

Let me explain.

Mom's fall in to two basic categories -  stay at home, go to work. 

These are mind sets first and foremost and lifestyles only after the fact. Not all mom's who are wired with the desire to be stay at homes get to. And likewise, some go to works still leave their job and raise their kids full time. Money, personal belief, culture, extended family, age of the child/children - a million things play in to where these moms end up falling.

I was always decidedly a 'go to work' mom. I love going in to work, always have. With my first daughter, I was back at work two weeks after having her. (Pumped to death to make sure she got exclusive breast milk - not that fun) and now that I have been allowed to be home with my second daughter full time, I realize I have had a shift in the way I think. I now regret not taking more time to be at home with my first.

When I was offered the chance to work full time from home, I was so very happy. The best of both worlds, right? Go to work in my PJ's and get to raise my kids?? Paycheck and no daycare?! 

The reality of it has been a balancing act, to put it mildly.

My job is not easy. My job is stressful and demanding and usually involves meeting three to four strict deadlines a day. I won't get in to it but suffice to say, my job was demanding when I could dedicate all my attention to it.


Now throw in a five month old who's happiest time is being at the breast for hours at a stretch. I have a boppy at my desk, and she will nurse as I type over her. Add a hyper nearly four year old that, rightly so, craves all my attention - I'm not proud to say it but Ipad has been a lifesaver.

My mom has been my biggest blessing in this. She comes over almost daily and that really helps with my oldest. She takes her out and plays with her when I can't. I don't get anymore work done on the days she's here than when she's not because kids are hardwired - they want mom - but I do feel less stressed.

I look at the mom's that are strictly stay at homes and I am jealous. They get to be present for their kiddos. I get to give 75%. They get to go out. I go out and I'm stressed the entire time wondering what emails/deadlines/emergencies I am missing.

Even my sister, who works with me and was also granted the ability to work at home, has told me flat out, she will be a stay at home only and that I'm crazy to do both.

And I am.

But there's no support group I have found for the working stay at home. I am head of a massive department that handles billions of dollars of revenue, I have seven people that work under me and often need direction. 

I need a dang support group. I need someone that understands not only did I not get the dishes done today but I didn't meet an important deadline either because my youngest is teething.

Why not quit? You might be asking at this point. Because I am a go to work mom. If you don't get that mindset, I can't explain it. 

So why not go to work? Would be the next question - why stress yourself out like this? Because I have now become an at home mom too. When I have to go in for training I miss my girls and ache for them. My youngest will not take a bottle and the thought of her sipping out of a cup crying for me breaks my heart. My oldest is starting to be able to carry on a real conversation with me and I feel the loss of each word I don't get to hear.

So I do both. And some days, I feel like superman. Yes, I did just feed both my kids, clean the kitchen and get all my work done. I am unstoppable, thank you very much.

Some days are low, stress filled and I really really want to cry or run away to the zoo.

And sometimes, I wonder what my kids will think, looking back. Will they remember the at home mom or the at work mom? Will they grow up with the mindset and expectation they can do both? Or am I cementing in them the same reaction my sister had:

I was crazy.

Until next time.

Quick update

Email sent! And the classes are called, RICA or 'Rite of Christian Initiation' and the 'A' stands for adult I am assuming?

I'll edit this post when/if I hear back.  

EDIT:

I did hear back from, I shall call her Mary; she came across as warm and understanding as possible in email form.

She let me know that there are others in the RICA class that have gone through divorce and that I was not alone, nor in any way would I be turned away because of it. I would need to get my first marriage annulled but there would be further discussion on this in class.

So there you have it! Feeling much better having that weight lifted.

Or my search for God.

Well here comes a long post.

No sense in beating around the bush. I plan on writing a blog and I plan on writing it about God. Or more correctly, my search for God. I'm probably not going to keep this PC. (Pretty sure when you bring up God or politics, that flies out the window anyway).

I feel like some background is needed.

For the majority of my life, I have never had religion. I have been, what I consider, to be an average, casual observer of various belief systems but never invested too much time or consideration in to any of them. I like to think I'm fairly spiritual but not religious.

That all changed a few weeks ago.

First, you should know I have a rabid appetite for learning. About anything. A topic/subject catches even my passing attention and I research it obsessively (Love you Google! ) until I tire myself out. Usually takes a two days of nonstop reading. I horde random information like some people do Beanie Babies - fun to obtain, rather useless afterwards.

So one night, I got it in my head that I wanted to see what people more intelligent than I thought about the existence of God.

Mistake. Oh mistake.

Asking the scientific community about God was not unlike offering up your most tender bits to a sand blaster. They found little nuggets of hope and belief I didn't even know I had and destroyed them.

What's worse, they did it with facts and research and incredibly complex studies of the human mind that I can't remember well enough to quote - likely because each sentence was robbing me of vital things - but by the end of that night, only one word could sum up how I felt.

Devastated.

Now, I can't stress this enough, I have never been religious. 

I studied biology in college, I'm a big believer in scientific method and 85% of the things I just take as a given are directly challenged by most religions. In all reality, it should have followed that there was no place for God there and you'd think I wouldn't have been shocked to be so thoroughly chastised with their numbers and charts and studies.

I was equal parts amazed and horrified that I had such a profound inner belief system, unknown to myself, that I could be heartbroken when it was shattered.

And that's what I was. Utterly and completely heartbroken.

I spiraled in to depression. Me, the never ever get down for more than a day, happy upbeat, me!

 I was so depressed, it felt hard to breathe. I actually researched postpartum depression - my daughter was four months at the time - because there was no way not believing in God anymore could make me feel like this. Like a limb had been chopped off. 

But it did.

There was no God. Science had proven that beyond a doubt. No souls, no afterlife, no higher power.

I think these were some of my darker days. I struggled and pretended I was fine. Because, if there was no God, no higher power, what really was the point? No one could fix that. No pill make it better, nothing to talk through. Everything was felt pointless.

I desperately begin talking to my more religious/spiritual friends and family. I asked for prayers, direction, advice. I had this gaping wound where a beautiful thing once was and I probably couldn't fix it. How could I ever learn to live with it? Why did they believe? Had they not researched? Did they not know about all those charts and facts or did they dismiss them? 

I wish I could have. They loomed very large in my mind, shooting down any defense I tried to build to get that glimmer of hope back.

Very dark times. 

I did almost ask some of my openly atheist friends how they dealt with the soul shattering truth of not believing in a God/afterlife but couldn't bring myself to. What if, deep down, they too had a secret belief? Maybe one they never shared but a hope for a bright light and happy ending? Maybe they were completely open to finding God and were simply waiting to hear the right argument  see the right miracle  

What if by me asking for coping skills, they came to the same terrible gut retching realizations I had?

Cause honestly, I felt that in the absolute absence of faith, I had created a vacuum in myself of despair. 

At the behest of my sister, I prayed - me, who have made a thousand mocking comments about prayer, now gave it my heartfelt all.

I don't remember exactly what I prayed about, only that I gave it my all.

And... and I'm probably going to lose some people here but regardless.

That hope? That part of me that was more real than my limbs? That unnameable thing I had never been aware of till it was ripped from me?

It came back.

It felt like someone had turned on the warm water and it slowly filled up that terrible black hole.

I didn't have answers, there was no 'ah ha!' moment of God showing me the divine way or some arguement that popped in to my head that erased all the charts and facts I had read.

It was more like, I had been shut out of Home and suddenly, I was let back in. 

That simple. That profound. 

As quickly as it had struck me down, the depression, the dark hopelessness, was gone. I was ok again. Not fake it till you make it ok. Deep down, could inhale a deep breath again, life is wonderful, ok again.

It was a startling thing.

I drug my sister to Mass with me that week. A gorgeous place called Immaculate Heart of Mary.

I don't know why I picked that church, I'm much  closer to Christian in terms of raising and background. And I had no idea what they were talking about and I felt terribly out of place and I'm sure all the elderly people that wake up to go to Mass at 8:30 on a Friday were wondering about the two 'youngins' hanging out in the back and I had to take all my cues from my sister but...

But I was there.

I was there God.

I took my sister to the front desk after and we filled out the paperwork to start classes - I have no idea what the correct term is - but classes to become Catholic? Take Mass? Ok so I'm still not sure and they asked some questions I'm felt awkward answering and I'm feeling a healthy bit of trepidation about cause I know I've committed at least one grave sin (divorcee, ouch!)

But still. I'm trying and I guess I have to believe even with that red mark against me, there's forgiveness out there. So if I have to spend the next week till class dreading what they are going to say - I'm fairly sure they aren't going to turn me away? Right? Anyone?

...

So yeah, I'm probably going to call them at some point cause now that I've written that out I'm more worried about it than I thought. Is getting a divorce a 'say fifty hail mary's' kind of thing? Did it matter we didn't get married in a church, by a priest or even in the presence of God? Aside from the state approval, could we just call it 'living in sin'? Is there degrees here?!

This post was much longer than I intended so I'll leave it there. I'll update after I talk to someone about that above mentioned grave sin.

Thanks for reading.

22 Weeks

How did it get so late so soon? - Dr Seuss

Today is 22 weeks. That's 5 and a half months.  Time is doing what it does because and sneaking around corners and out of windows.

If this little one was born today, it would have less than a 10% chance of surviving. Gloomy as that sounds, this week marks an important turning point. Every single week - every single day and hour and minute this baby stays inside, it's chances go up and up and up. In a mere two weeks - the amount of time most people take for a vacation - it's chances of survival skyrocket to 70%. The importance of a week at this stage is everything. A day might mean the difference of life and death to developing lungs, racing heart.

It's humbling and amazing.

I can't wait to get to see this baby. And hold it and share it with it's family. My daughter is excited, even if she can't fully understand, somewhere inside she knows that being a big sister is a very important thing and that's why she says it with such pride.

In roughly 126 days, I get to see someone I've never met, but already love with my entire heart and think about all the time.

Love is stunning. I met my husband and he was my world entire. That will always and forever be the case. Yet I met my daughter and my love enfolded her seamlessly and she is my world entire without borrowing any consideration I feel for my husband. And already I love this little one and it too is everything without costing me anything.

Speaking of the little one! It's been very active these past few days. Usually at night, around 9 when I'm laying down relaxing. The curious pokes and rolls as it explores its surroundings makes me smile. I think of an adventurer that has found the end of the world and in their disbelief, kicks it.

After confirming that no more ultrasounds were coming in the foreseeable future, we made the decision to go to a private place for a 3D ultrasound. Excited to see this baby again and maybe, if the stars align and lady luck is smiling on us, the baby will show us the goods and we'll know what pronoun to address it as.

Pretty much everyone but my mom, me and Andrew think boy. Random strangers have told me boy. Most the myths point to boy. Another strong reason to go find out the gender. I have sold myself on it's a girl and if that doesn't turn out to be the case, I need adjusting time.

I always get asked, do I want a boy or girl - the honest truth is I don't have a preference. I'll take either with the same excitement. Girl would be easier as we already have all the clothing and we know how to raise a girl thus far but a boy would be a great adventure too.

Again, I really don't mind. I want healthy, happy, fatty little baby to bring home. Gender is so far down on my list of wants for this child, it's little past a curious desire to know.

I had a huge dinner with my sister and Mike. I am very happy right now and getting sleepy. Aida is trying out her first sleep over at her aunts and uncles house and I think, Andrew is out with his friend celebrating his upcoming wedding and I think I might take advantage of the quiet and go lay in my raft. (The HUGE pregnancy pillow that takes up half the bed and worth every inch).

Until tomorrow blog! 

21 weeks, 6 days

Exit, perused by a bear - Shakespeare 

Finally! After a three day wait, the nurse called me tonight and said the ultrasound came back perfect. Baby is looking great. The only thing missing was the gender. 

Meaning no more ultrasounds for us unless something new crops up.

I might pay to have one done to figure out the mystery gender. I'm on the fence. On one hand, I'd love to know - it's another element to bond with. On the other, that sure would be great motivation went I went in to labor, the excitement of finding out what the little one was.

I have plenty of time to decide. 

Still tired blog. I was hoping after a good nights sleep, I would be more alert and ready to go today but I have been battling this fatigue and even though it's only 5:30, I could turn in right now. Maybe this is due to the pregnancy? I'll give it another few days.

I thought I had more to write about but all I can think of right now is filling my stomach and finding somewhere comfy to lay down.

So for tonight, my very short blog.

21 Weeks, 5 Days

Everything worth doing is exhausting

Today was rough blog. Down and out rough.

I got a call from the nurse on the long awaited ultra sound results at about 9 am. She only called to tell me that my doctor had the results but wasn't in the office and that she would have to call the hospital and get the results re-sent. She would call me back.

She didn't.

If that wasn't frustrating enough, I feel bone-tired. If I'm not thinking about work, I'm thinking about school. If I'm not stressing about school, I'm looking after my awesome (but energetic) three year old. Or I'm cleaning up the house If I'm not doing any of the above I have just enough time to go, 'oh yeah, I'm five months' pregnant' and go seeking the nearest comfy thing to sleep on.

Today was one of those days where all the areas of my life traffic-jammed on their way for my attention. I feel spread thin. I feel worn out.

I am fairly sure I'm still in that safe spot in the second trimester where the exhaustion of carrying around a full term baby isn't weighing down on me so I can identify this as exactly what it is - a very busy, mentally exhausting day.

I did get my school work done. Now I have this weekend and next week to finish up my finals and bring home the gold.

I have to get all the paperwork together for my daughter's appointment on the 12th.

I have to finish out this week at work and do my very best to keep my department happy and strong.

And I should probably call my doctor again on Friday and track down those ultrasound results. Cause I am really curious dang it.

21 Weeks, 4 Days

If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life. - Oscar Wilde

Today started with a call to my doctor. Back on October 30th, we had our mega ultrasound. I feel like everything went well. The woman conducting it was extremely nice, took a lot of pictures and besides not being able to get the baby to uncross it's legs, seemed like a very positive routine visit.

But you know how it is. You want your doctor to call you and assure you that those ten fingers and toes were in all the right places.

Having not heard back and it being almost a month later, I bugged them. Turns out they didn't get the results back from the hospital and they had some bugging of their own to do - but I was told I should hear back from them Monday/Tuesday. 

I called the office and was put on hold for a very, very long time. After which the receptionist came back and informed me I would have to speak to my doctor or a nurse about the results. I figure this is standard practice?

My day continued on, no call. At three, I couldn't wait any longer and called again. Again put on hold and again told that I needed to speak with my doctor or a nurse but she would put a note in to have them call me tomorrow.

Again, I figure this is standard practice? No news is good news, right? If there was something terribly important, they would have called me - right?

I figure worse case, I have to go back and get something remeasured. That happens. Blurry pic of this or that, they want to take a second look. I'm not getting myself worried right now because I stand by the fact if it was something major or serious, that call would have been made right away and I would know by now.

Right? Right.

Ah waiting.

I did really good on the no sugar today up till the end. I had a bagel, some oatmeal and a very awesome dinner for my mom's 50th. That I just had to top off with some chocolate cake. I am excusing this and not counting it as breaking my diet because come on! It's bday cake!

Little one hasn't been very active these last few days. After that night of kicking my husband's hand for a good stretch, little guy kinda went quiet on me. It's possible their facing the wrong way. They still have a bit of room to swim so again, waiting and not worrying about it till I get closer to 24 weeks when those kicks should be pretty solid.

So that's it blog. Today finds me waiting. Happy and full of great food and feeling positive about tomorrow.

21 Weeks, 3 Days

'Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants' - Lynda Montgomery

 Today's topic is about cravings.

It all started last night when I was watching Food Network - this channel should be illegal for pregnant women because it introduces us to food cravings we probably wouldn't have ever had. For example, one would-be iron chef made a delicious bite of homemade pasta with anchovy sauce that has been burning in my brain ever since. 

So when I came home tonight and saw my dearest husband cooking up some of his famous spice rubbed pork chops, he must have read the slight disappointment on my face.

Because I wanted PASTA. Nay, I CRAVED PASTA. 

Craving is a want wrapped up in a physical need. It starts at the base of your spine and radiates outwards a sunset caught fire. Until everything else tastes like ash on your tongue. The mere thought of eating anything but the craved food seems flat and boring. It's oatmeal compared to a rich, lovingly prepared dinner.

Or in this case PASTA.

Pasta that my darling husband boldly made a special trip to the store for. With but a kiss of endearment on my forehead and a look of slight confusion over why it had to be PASTA, but fetching it all the same because he just loves me that much.

Mark that up as number three thing I struggle to make non-pregnant people understand, the first two being extreme moods (crying at Google commercials) and what it feels like to have the baby move.

I can't explain why some times you wake up and you need a watermelon. Or a pickle. It's just the way it is.

Oh! Before I forget, day two of no-sugar is going good! I had no sugary treats today. So yay for taking things one day at a time.

In other news - I believe strongly in the power of 'ignore' but everyday it's getting harder to pretend. This marks two days in a row I've had to reach for the Tums. And unless this baby is going to decide to come out bald, it's going to likely escalate. With my first I had constant heartburn towards the end, regardless of what I ate or took.

For now, I'm going to continue to ignore because you never know. Mind over acid and the like.

21 Weeks, 2 Days

Today, as the title implies, I am 21 weeks and 2 days. Yesterday was the most active this little one has ever been. So active, in fact, that when my darling husband placed his hand on my stomach for nightly cuddles - the little one went crazy and started kicking at his hand. He even felt a few of the stronger kicks! I remember this happening with Aida too. I'm not sure how they know it's their dad's hand but his touch is like a little wake up alarm and they are eager for his attention. People who haven't been pregnant ask me what it's like to have something growing inside you. What it's like to feel it kick and turn and flip. At first, it's like feeling your heartbeat in your stomach or a muscle twitch. A movement you don't control and may hardly notice. I can't think of a good example for when they are bigger and tap dancing their way across your insides. It's the very best part of being pregnant I think because there's nothing else like it. I'm a little late in the game getting in to a pregnancy blog. Here I am though! Admire the late comer, writing away. Snacking on my bowl of flavorless, steel cut oats and dreading the three exams I have to take for school today. Blonde and I are trying to do a no-sugar change in our diets. This is mostly prompted by Thanksgiving overload and also my very frantic desire to stay extremely healthy this pregnancy and only gain weight as needed. I've gained about ten pounds so far. I'm perfectly ok with gaining as much as this little one needs but not ok with gaining weight because I couldn't avoid a pie. I can avoid a pie! Well, I mean, I haven't so far. But today is a new day! A day of no sugar! Since this is my first post in what I will hopefully update more often, here is the reader's digest on this pregnancy. Got it the very first try. Clearly remember, it was July 14th. I know exactly when I ovulate, no test needed. Thank you very much mother nature for giving me extremely fertile genes on both sides of the old family tree. I had absolutely no morning sickness. For the first time ever, I finally understand how someone could go for months and months and not know they are pregnant. I actually felt better and had more energy in those starting months than I usually do. Still do. This is a symptom-less pregnancy. Couldn't find out gender. Little one had their legs crossed tight on the big day and didn't feel like moving. Unsure if we will get another one. My doctor is going to look at ultrasound results in the next week and see if we need to go back for another scan for any reason. If we do, we will likely find out gender - little one will be too big to hide, ha. If we don't, we'll find out on the big day. If we do need another ultrasound, I'm really hoping we can go the first week of January and not sooner. They aren't cheap and I want every dime possible to go to the deductible on my delivery. And that's me for now! I'm going fight to keep my no sugar diet and go study for those exams. It's been a lot easier to go back to school and be pregnant, work full time and have a three year old than I thought it would be. "You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.' - Unknown.

On One

Day One.

I find myself unable to sleep and creep out of bed before the sun even thinks of showing it's face. I sip coffee that I don't need and ponder what to write. Headphones would make it easier. Music can trick the mind in to relaxing. It's the bourbon of the brain.

And I'm off.

The sun is cresting over the houses across the street, flushing the living room in a sickly orange. You could break that light with by walking across it. Clean, the floors, tan, the walls. Harsh, the glow of my monitor. And rapid my fingers rushing to conclusions across the keyboard.

On this day, the fifth day of October, I hereby declare


Blushed, my coffee. Messy hair. Raccoon eyes where the liner wore thin. Full my heart, to bursting.

Aida comes wandering out of her room and it's a blessing with each step. Suddenly everything changes.

Forever and ago, a memory bubbles up. It's snowing, always snowing in this cold horrible winter that I can't seem to escape. We're holding hands and where our skin touches is warmth. I watch you from the corner of my eye. You are the most beautiful peace I have ever known. Your words are a wordless comfort, to me. Your smile a salvation.

The last part of me that was hurting gives up in the presence of that smile and I know, know deep deep deep down you are for me and I for you.

Memory skips again, ahead a month and a moment and we're holding hands in a, well chapel isn't going to invoke the right images but I suppose that's what it was, and we're getting married.

Out in the dry Nevada winter, we skip away, giggling.

The sound of Aida's heartbeat. Like a train racing over tracks. How proud and excited and scared we both are. How lucky.

I think it's these types of memories, coupled with the never ending and loving support of my small, perfect little family, that will get me through this.

In the end, I can walk away from it all

As long as you walk away with me.

On this day, the fifth day of October, I hereby declare.

Cracks

Words fail.

The end of the day - this is the truth. They are small strokes. Very small. I wouldn't trust my weight to a single 's' and I can't picture a world where a 'w' could hold me up.

When I need them, they flee. Hiding away. Places I cannot reach. Usually behind memories of the mundane. The most important ones have hidden themselves in text messages from an unremarkable Monday.

Is it a curse of hindsight or gift of true insight that, in reflection, you look back and see the writing so clear. Do you write hope where there isn't any because you need it. So badly.

Thief. I see you, sitting there. You steal each line you read.

These are my thoughts and I'm flying them like kites against your screen. Can you see the colors and do they bring you joy, as they do me?

Life is so beautiful. So very beautiful. It is hard, too.

Today, everything changes

On late nights

In which I slip in to bed.

Not much to say tonight. It was either write this or spend some time mindlessly web surfing until exhaustion took hold. The curse and blessing of an over active mind. Bit like a hyper dog, needs walks and constant attention or I'm going to wake up and find important memories chewed up and passwords misplaced. Started a new auditor today. Ate pho tonight. Worked until I couldn't see straight and worked some more.

Aida and I got our passports today - Andrew's should be coming soon. Blonde is still sick from what she tells me, I believe she will seek medical attention tomorrow. Mom's doctor called, levels are lower than they'd like - I'll email them tomorrow for options. Aida is adorable, smart and lovely. Her Oma came to visit today and unprompted, she gave her a kiss. Mental note to self, visit in-laws more often, they are good people and Judita seems most likely candidate to help me with my Lithuanian. Excited by the prospect of spending more time with my father's side of the family, encouraged by the dinner we had on Sunday with my grandparents. Andrew is quite taken by them, I believe coming from such a small family and knowing only one of his grandparents, he is keen to glean the knowledge and worldly wisdom from mine. Looking forward to their hunting trip.

Can hardly type blog - the iPad is lovely but the touch screen is not my friend when I am so tired. I shall bid you rest and fair tidings until tomorrow. Happy April wired world, may it bring peace and happiness.

Blessed be.

Of Spinning Redeption

Song Prompt 2

The sky stretched forever, the way only spring skies can. Moving onward to the mountains across the valley, holding white puffy clouds dotting here and there the intent of a light shower.

Verdant fields rolled with new growth, gaining ground on the patches of winter brown. The air carried the current of atmosphere that caught on the back of the tongue with tangy electricity and he told himself, the top of a mountain probably wasn't where he wanted to be if a storm moved in.

Of Iron

At the end, I gave it less than a twenty percent chance. Less than the chance of rain the following day. Of your phone going to voicemail when I call. The night of wonderful conversation, great food and shared love. A bright percent sign hung around us in the air like snow on Christmas. Facing the future in a moment. Recklessly throwing your life forward. Happy, excited, grateful and laughing. Goodnight, sweet moon, hold us tight.

On Sunday

The sun streams through my kitchen window, hugging my wood floor with warmth. The smell of the carrot cake I am cooking fills the air and my house plants, that prefer my company to the open air outdoors, stretch towards the backdoor.

Banishing sorrow like shadows, the sun of this spring day lifts my sprits with a gentle acceptance. It is not the acceptance of defeat or helplessness. It is the trust that even when bad things happen, horrible things; the sun still comes and winter carries forever the promise of spring.

Glancing to my living room window from my computer desk, I see a rainstorm moving over the roof of the houses across the way. I wonder if I was to walk outside, if I might catch the faint smell of rain.

The scent of cinnamon and carrots and baking, which is a little electric, fills each breath. Soon, my husband will return from his adventures, carrying my daughter and the dog that didn't mind waiting in the car. I can't help but watch the window for their arrival.

Of Thursdays

In which the week nearly ends.

It was a room temperature caramel macchiato that took me an entire day to drink. Followed by the Healthy Choice pasta I nuked for a quick lunch at my computer desk while I managed my department. My eyes were burning, my head tight around the temples and I knew, oh I knew, I need to call it early tonight. I need a recharge before I reuse.

On Disconnect

'Deserve ain't got nothing to do with it."


Oh blog. I wish I could tell you everything. I wish I could lay it all out there. It would be pleasant, I think, for a few. To hand off this weight, shift it to someone else's shoulder. That's one of the hardest parts, I think. I get so angry because I feel so helpless. I'm seven kinds of furious that the world's gone crazy.

Ultimately pointless and helpless. Verging on the point of a pity post again. Wonder how that keeps slipping in here.

Turned on music. Sometimes that helps to write. Other times, a nifty quote at the header can lead the way to deeper places. A picture on occasion will ring a starting bell and off I go. None of that's helping today.

It's a vast rolling sea, turning with a storm. I'm standing on a cliff in a nice, waist length coat watching lightening strike the waves.

I'm grasping straws here. I'm already on the ride.

And there it is. My elusive point.


It'll be ok blog, it honestly will. Some days are harder than others and small things tax you for their time in the lime light. Get it all out of your system now. Cause tomorrow, baby, there's going to be sun.

Of Things Small

Some days have highlights.

I think that most will head to the great unknown with memories of a wedding day, mixed with memories of kids, grandkids, dances, dates, watching the rain storm or roasting marshmallows over a fire.

These aren't the kind of highlights I'm talking about. I'm talking about that flash bulb memory. The one that ignites in you a feeling of awe and comfort. The tiny moment in your day that feels a lot like a visual hug meant only for you.

I'm talking about finding a mushroom in my blackberry plant. The blackberry plant I'm growing in a massive pot inside my kitchen because I was so excited to plant, I did so in my kitchen, weather be damned. I'm not going to lie. I thought it was a piece of trash at first and it wasn't until I went to pluck it off did I, with growing excitement, realize it was indeed the beginnings of what I can only hope is a mushroom forest!

Grow little guy, grow!