On One

Day One.

I find myself unable to sleep and creep out of bed before the sun even thinks of showing it's face. I sip coffee that I don't need and ponder what to write. Headphones would make it easier. Music can trick the mind in to relaxing. It's the bourbon of the brain.

And I'm off.

The sun is cresting over the houses across the street, flushing the living room in a sickly orange. You could break that light with by walking across it. Clean, the floors, tan, the walls. Harsh, the glow of my monitor. And rapid my fingers rushing to conclusions across the keyboard.

On this day, the fifth day of October, I hereby declare


Blushed, my coffee. Messy hair. Raccoon eyes where the liner wore thin. Full my heart, to bursting.

Aida comes wandering out of her room and it's a blessing with each step. Suddenly everything changes.

Forever and ago, a memory bubbles up. It's snowing, always snowing in this cold horrible winter that I can't seem to escape. We're holding hands and where our skin touches is warmth. I watch you from the corner of my eye. You are the most beautiful peace I have ever known. Your words are a wordless comfort, to me. Your smile a salvation.

The last part of me that was hurting gives up in the presence of that smile and I know, know deep deep deep down you are for me and I for you.

Memory skips again, ahead a month and a moment and we're holding hands in a, well chapel isn't going to invoke the right images but I suppose that's what it was, and we're getting married.

Out in the dry Nevada winter, we skip away, giggling.

The sound of Aida's heartbeat. Like a train racing over tracks. How proud and excited and scared we both are. How lucky.

I think it's these types of memories, coupled with the never ending and loving support of my small, perfect little family, that will get me through this.

In the end, I can walk away from it all

As long as you walk away with me.

On this day, the fifth day of October, I hereby declare.

Cracks

Words fail.

The end of the day - this is the truth. They are small strokes. Very small. I wouldn't trust my weight to a single 's' and I can't picture a world where a 'w' could hold me up.

When I need them, they flee. Hiding away. Places I cannot reach. Usually behind memories of the mundane. The most important ones have hidden themselves in text messages from an unremarkable Monday.

Is it a curse of hindsight or gift of true insight that, in reflection, you look back and see the writing so clear. Do you write hope where there isn't any because you need it. So badly.

Thief. I see you, sitting there. You steal each line you read.

These are my thoughts and I'm flying them like kites against your screen. Can you see the colors and do they bring you joy, as they do me?

Life is so beautiful. So very beautiful. It is hard, too.

Today, everything changes

On late nights

In which I slip in to bed.

Not much to say tonight. It was either write this or spend some time mindlessly web surfing until exhaustion took hold. The curse and blessing of an over active mind. Bit like a hyper dog, needs walks and constant attention or I'm going to wake up and find important memories chewed up and passwords misplaced. Started a new auditor today. Ate pho tonight. Worked until I couldn't see straight and worked some more.

Aida and I got our passports today - Andrew's should be coming soon. Blonde is still sick from what she tells me, I believe she will seek medical attention tomorrow. Mom's doctor called, levels are lower than they'd like - I'll email them tomorrow for options. Aida is adorable, smart and lovely. Her Oma came to visit today and unprompted, she gave her a kiss. Mental note to self, visit in-laws more often, they are good people and Judita seems most likely candidate to help me with my Lithuanian. Excited by the prospect of spending more time with my father's side of the family, encouraged by the dinner we had on Sunday with my grandparents. Andrew is quite taken by them, I believe coming from such a small family and knowing only one of his grandparents, he is keen to glean the knowledge and worldly wisdom from mine. Looking forward to their hunting trip.

Can hardly type blog - the iPad is lovely but the touch screen is not my friend when I am so tired. I shall bid you rest and fair tidings until tomorrow. Happy April wired world, may it bring peace and happiness.

Blessed be.

Of Spinning Redeption

Song Prompt 2

The sky stretched forever, the way only spring skies can. Moving onward to the mountains across the valley, holding white puffy clouds dotting here and there the intent of a light shower.

Verdant fields rolled with new growth, gaining ground on the patches of winter brown. The air carried the current of atmosphere that caught on the back of the tongue with tangy electricity and he told himself, the top of a mountain probably wasn't where he wanted to be if a storm moved in.

Of Iron

At the end, I gave it less than a twenty percent chance. Less than the chance of rain the following day. Of your phone going to voicemail when I call. The night of wonderful conversation, great food and shared love. A bright percent sign hung around us in the air like snow on Christmas. Facing the future in a moment. Recklessly throwing your life forward. Happy, excited, grateful and laughing. Goodnight, sweet moon, hold us tight.

On Sunday

The sun streams through my kitchen window, hugging my wood floor with warmth. The smell of the carrot cake I am cooking fills the air and my house plants, that prefer my company to the open air outdoors, stretch towards the backdoor.

Banishing sorrow like shadows, the sun of this spring day lifts my sprits with a gentle acceptance. It is not the acceptance of defeat or helplessness. It is the trust that even when bad things happen, horrible things; the sun still comes and winter carries forever the promise of spring.

Glancing to my living room window from my computer desk, I see a rainstorm moving over the roof of the houses across the way. I wonder if I was to walk outside, if I might catch the faint smell of rain.

The scent of cinnamon and carrots and baking, which is a little electric, fills each breath. Soon, my husband will return from his adventures, carrying my daughter and the dog that didn't mind waiting in the car. I can't help but watch the window for their arrival.

Of Thursdays

In which the week nearly ends.

It was a room temperature caramel macchiato that took me an entire day to drink. Followed by the Healthy Choice pasta I nuked for a quick lunch at my computer desk while I managed my department. My eyes were burning, my head tight around the temples and I knew, oh I knew, I need to call it early tonight. I need a recharge before I reuse.