Thursday, September 12, 2013

Hybrid Stay-at-home mom

I have never met another 'stay-at-home' mom like me and even though it feels strange writing a blog for an audience that contains only myself - I do so thinking that maybe, just maybe, the internet will point someone else to this that can relate.

Without further ado, I present the only Hybrid, stay-at-home mom I know. Me.

And I've decided it's because not many people are this idiotic.

Let me explain.

Mom's fall in to two basic categories -  stay at home, go to work. 

These are mind sets first and foremost and lifestyles only after the fact. Not all mom's who are wired with the desire to be stay at homes get to. And likewise, some go to works still leave their job and raise their kids full time. Money, personal belief, culture, extended family, age of the child/children - a million things play in to where these moms end up falling.

I was always decidedly a 'go to work' mom. I love going in to work, always have. With my first daughter, I was back at work two weeks after having her. (Pumped to death to make sure she got exclusive breast milk - not that fun) and now that I have been allowed to be home with my second daughter full time, I realize I have had a shift in the way I think. I now regret not taking more time to be at home with my first.

When I was offered the chance to work full time from home, I was so very happy. The best of both worlds, right? Go to work in my PJ's and get to raise my kids?? Paycheck and no daycare?! 

The reality of it has been a balancing act, to put it mildly.

My job is not easy. My job is stressful and demanding and usually involves meeting three to four strict deadlines a day. I won't get in to it but suffice to say, my job was demanding when I could dedicate all my attention to it.


Now throw in a five month old who's happiest time is being at the breast for hours at a stretch. I have a boppy at my desk, and she will nurse as I type over her. Add a hyper nearly four year old that, rightly so, craves all my attention - I'm not proud to say it but Ipad has been a lifesaver.

My mom has been my biggest blessing in this. She comes over almost daily and that really helps with my oldest. She takes her out and plays with her when I can't. I don't get anymore work done on the days she's here than when she's not because kids are hardwired - they want mom - but I do feel less stressed.

I look at the mom's that are strictly stay at homes and I am jealous. They get to be present for their kiddos. I get to give 75%. They get to go out. I go out and I'm stressed the entire time wondering what emails/deadlines/emergencies I am missing.

Even my sister, who works with me and was also granted the ability to work at home, has told me flat out, she will be a stay at home only and that I'm crazy to do both.

And I am.

But there's no support group I have found for the working stay at home. I am head of a massive department that handles billions of dollars of revenue, I have seven people that work under me and often need direction. 

I need a dang support group. I need someone that understands not only did I not get the dishes done today but I didn't meet an important deadline either because my youngest is teething.

Why not quit? You might be asking at this point. Because I am a go to work mom. If you don't get that mindset, I can't explain it. 

So why not go to work? Would be the next question - why stress yourself out like this? Because I have now become an at home mom too. When I have to go in for training I miss my girls and ache for them. My youngest will not take a bottle and the thought of her sipping out of a cup crying for me breaks my heart. My oldest is starting to be able to carry on a real conversation with me and I feel the loss of each word I don't get to hear.

So I do both. And some days, I feel like superman. Yes, I did just feed both my kids, clean the kitchen and get all my work done. I am unstoppable, thank you very much.

Some days are low, stress filled and I really really want to cry or run away to the zoo.

And sometimes, I wonder what my kids will think, looking back. Will they remember the at home mom or the at work mom? Will they grow up with the mindset and expectation they can do both? Or am I cementing in them the same reaction my sister had:

I was crazy.

Until next time.

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